Dear Santa,
I'm sure you don't get many letters at this time of year, but I thought if I wrote to you now that it would give you plenty of time to assemble the items on my wish list. They are all (well nearly all) designed to assist those toiling in the garden at Fulham Palace. I perhaps should preface the list by saying that I've been a very good boy so far this year - for example, when brambling or digging up nettles I ALWAYS ensure that the roots are left on as, I have learnt, this helps the composting process immeasurably. So, here is the list:-
A Chipper
The full time staff at FP have been bashing on about this for ages. When I first heard about this I must have misunderstood as when I appeared on the following Wednesday with a chip pan I was prepared to donate, my offering was met with howls of derision.
A Cat
There is apparently a gang of fiendishly cunning mouse-surgeons at large in both the Bothy and the Vinery (there's even a notice in the Bothy warning us that "mice operate in this area"). The solution is obvious.
A Knife Grinder
For keeping all those lovely long handles razor-sharp. I appreciate this is probably not a full time occupation - perhaps he/she could spend the rest of their time looking after the cat?
A Launch
Probably not of benefit to everyone I admit, but if instead of making the long and wearisome journey from Putney on foot I could be whisked across the river in a matter of minutes then my timekeeping (and productivity) would improve no end.
A Kettle
The one currently in the Bothy seems to have a life of its own - turning itself off and on as the mood takes it.
An Unlimited Supply of Freshly Laundered Tea Towels
Probably not high on most gardeners' lists, but have you seen the objects presently in situ ?
A Calculator
For working out the takings from the barrow each day and, incidentally, determining the amount of my commission (I always have trouble with calculating 17.29%).
A Gigantic Stocking
For putting all the above mentioned presents in.
Yours in hopeful anticipation,
Jamie Atwell
P.S. It goes without saying that FP would be delighted to supply you in December with as much holly and ivy as you could possibly want!